One week until I turn 26 and, according to what pop culture would have you believe, begin my slow slide into decay, and it’s hard not to be introspective. I found myself really sad this weekend, especially while I was partying, and even when I was “having fun”. Is it possible to be sad while you’re happy? My mind may be splintering.

I’m coming off what I should qualify as the best few weeks of my year. RIOT was a huge success, I got through my first Pride at my job, and new opportunities seems to be cropping up as often as I grow bored with older ones. But the little things keep getting to me.

I had some very good sex this week and also gained insight into some of my interpersonal relationships and learned things that I’m shocked took me so long to figure out. I’m not sure if I’ve been willfully blind or if some things have shifted recently, but I pride myself on being very self-aware, so it really tripped me up.

I started drinking again right before Pride and I’m really proud of myself for making it (almost) a month. My body needed time to heal from the serious strain I’d been putting it through and I think I gave it that. But I’m definitely leaning into the drinking hard at the moment. Not gonna lie and say it isn’t fun.

With my birthday coming up, maybe the best way to get how I’m feeling out is to talk about what I would like from 26:

  • I’d like to have more fulfilling sex with people I actually want to have sex with again. I’m not talking about a boyfriend, but I want lovers who I care about.
  • I’d like to use whatever “cache” I’ve built for myself in nightlife to start doing projects that can make me money and fulfill me creatively, without having to compromise my “ideals” for someone else’s bottom line.
  • I’d like to be healthier, whatever that means. I know what it means but you know what I mean.
  • I’d like to see my family more and not feel so far away from them.
  • I’d like to be a better queer and educate myself on our history, our struggle, all the ways that I’m too privileged to understand it and all the ways I can empower myself and my peers to make real change.
  • I’d like to make art that feels necessary.
  • I’d like to sleep for an entire 24 hours.
  • I’d like to sleep next to someone for an entire night without moving away from them.

On a happy note: I went to an all-night beach party with a bunch of queers this weekend and realized I’d never been to the beach with queers before. It was nice. I always feel very balanced by the sea and I was—while my feet wear in the ocean, at least.

Ying my yang, please.

Mark, 7/7/14

  1. theculturewhore posted this