ADVICE FROM…A DRAGON

image

Last week some of our reader’s pressing questions were answered by a baby, but that baby is dead now, (totally not our fault, who knew babies needed food and oxygen?) so this week we enlisted someone different to help you losers out: a dragon.

Roaaar! I just woke up from an enchanted slumber of twelve thousand years. Damn! That was a good sleep. I hear you humans just keep fucking up, so I thought I’d lend you my tiny ear holes and offer some dragonly advice.

Cory from Bushwick asks: “Dear A. Dragon, What is the best way to clean out my bong?”

Well Cory,

As a dragon, I don’t smoke out of implements. When I need to get faded, I simply fly over to Colorado or Cali, hover over a grow field, breathe fire and inhale. If you’ve never smoked an entire field of Granddaddy Purp, holy shit that’s some real Snoop Lion shit right there. Damn I ate like twelve sheep afterwards and then I just passed the fuck out on the side of a mountain. Also local villagers are much less likely to form an angry pitchfork mob if there are tasty vapors floating through the air. But since you are a weak human, I hear rubbing alcohol and a good rinse in hot water works pretty well. 

Apneet from Brooklyn wants to know: "Dear Dragon, What’s the best way to slay your best friends?"

Here’s how.

Q: Why do mermaids wear seashells?

A: Because B shells were too small and D shells were too big!

Slays ‘em every time!

Really though, you don’t want to kill your friends. I did that once, long ago. And now I’m alone. I am rich as fuck though… 

Santa C. Brown inquires: “What should I get my friend wizard for Christmas? (Also, do wizards celebrate Christmas?)”

Santa C. Brown,

Hell no wizards don’t celebrate Christmas. If Jesus knew about wizardry he’d be so upset he would piss wine. While Jesus did have powers and robes, he derived his magic from GOD ok? Wizards rely on the lower demonic orders and straight up chemistry.

However, if your wizard friend is Jewish or has a birthday coming up, everyone likes a nice restaurant or movie gift certificate. Bonus: easy to wrap!

Made in Mejia is wondering: “How does one stay patient for so many years?”

This one’s easy: Just don’t be a bitch about things. Rooaaar!

Great advice, Dragon! Totally unrelated question, does anyone have flame-resistant condoms?

NEXT WEEK: Advice from a Paper Bag! Send your questions to theculturewhore@gmail.com.

-CAROLYN GILLIAM

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, LOSERS

DICK THE BALLS WITH LOADS OF MOLLY - THE CULTURE WHORE

Last night all your favorite Culture Whore editors got together and we shot our Christmas Card (which you’ll get to see later today). We took like 100 photos and our fantastic wed/fashion editor Apneet Kaur transformed them into this amazing gif. You’re welcome.

ADVICE FROM…A BABY

image

In our brand new adivce column, your questions are answered by…a baby. No babies were harmed in the writing of this column except the first three who were dicks and were subsequently left in a dumpster behind a Popeye’s.

I’m a baby. Us babies have to deal with a lot of pressure. I can’t drive, I can’t read, I can’t get a job except for selling out and showing my nipples in a Gap ad. It’s hard out there and yes, there are days when I just want to push myself back into the womb and literally curl up into the fetal position.

But there’s no going back for any of us. Have you ever looked into a baby’s eyes? A lot of wisdom there. Now I’m putting that wisdom to good use…

Read More

WEEKEND FAGGOTRY

GARY CLARK JR. SHREDS…AND THAT’S ABOUT IT

Was I missing something? Was I the only one who felt slightly disappointed? Maybe it was the fact that his music had been hyped beyond imagination by a friend of mine. Or perhaps it was my bloated expectations of a 20-something musician spearheading a 21st century revival of the Blues genre-a dear favorite of mine-that slowly deflated as the show went on. Whatever it wasn’t, Gary Clark Jr.’s performance at Bowery Ballroom was lackluster at best, simply uninspired.

Read More

HAD TO GET MY ARM REFITTED

We now have a new favorite thing on the Interweb: a writer for Mandatory.com set up an experiment to see just how sleazy/desperate/horrible men on dating sites really are and created a fake OKCupid account for Tara_IceAge4, who cannot spell, may have killed someone in a hit-and-run, wants $45 for sex and admits to recently being fingered by her cousin. Yes, you need to read this.

MY LIFE IS SO HARD: MUSINGS OF A SOON-TO-BE COLLEGE GRAD WITH ASPIRATIONS TO FUCK IT ALL UP

Our first MY LIFE IS SO HARD submission! Yay!!! People hate their lives as much as we do!!!

Michael Johnson of Long Beach, CA is having a rough time. In his own words:

  • I still live at home with my very opinionated religiously inclined mother who refuses to acknowledge that I like men.
  • I’m on the verge of failing my history class due to the fact that my professor is beyond old school in his expectations. I do not think he has gotten the fact that this is not a convent.
  • I like to argue everything with the intent of intellectual expansion. But most people just think I am a dick.
  • I miss my ex boyfriend….Barf.
  • I have not talked to my best friend (soon to be former best friend?) for a couple of months due to the fact that after I left rehab (oh my!) I slightly lost the ability to relate.
  • I consider myself a feminist. People just see it as another gay thing.
  • I take fashion seriously as a forum rich with meaning, expression, ideologies, and intent. Again, people just think it’s a gay thing.
  • AND no matter how much they point and laugh I cannot get rid of the fact that I love Lady Gaga (this may in fact be a gay thing).

IT IS a gay thing, Michael! If you were closer we would buy you a beer to commiserate. Help him feel better with comments, artsluts! And submit your own MY LIFE IS SO HARD, we want to know!

WRITERS!

We are ALWAYS accepting submissions, whether they be music/art/performance/literature reviews, op-eds about culture and sex, short fiction, poetry or something for our "My Life is So Hard" series. Submit to theculturewhore@gmail.com.

"MY LIFE IS SO HARD" ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS

Hey Culture Whores! We’re looking for submissions for our “My Life is So Hard” series. Take a look back at what we’ve posted so far for reference. If you think you’ve got it rough, let out your frustration in a Culture Whore article. 

Guidelines:

1. Photo of yourself. Try to look angsty. Or sexy. Or both, but not in the act.

2. 300-500 words on why your life is hard (in bullet points, we don’t need an essay).

3. You’re full name, location and an email where we can send you a fun surprise!

4. You must LIKE our Facebook page!

Send em in, guys. It’s like free therapy! Email theculturewhore@gmail.com.

THE BEST OF CMJ 2012