“Hit me on Grinda so I know where to find ya.”

Cakes Da Killa is taking shit to a new level with a dope new jam produced by Culture Whore DJ JX Cannon. Ready for you to twerk twerk twerk, “Goodies” is one of the first tracks to be released from Cakes’ much anticpiated new EP, “The Eulogy” out on Mishka Records January 29th.

Last week some of our reader’s pressing questions were answered by a baby, but that baby is dead now, (totally not our fault, who knew babies needed food and oxygen?) so this week we enlisted someone different to help you losers out: a dragon.

Roaaar! I just woke up from an enchanted slumber of twelve thousand years. Damn! That was a good sleep. I hear you humans just keep fucking up, so I thought I’d lend you my tiny ear holes and offer some dragonly advice.

Cory from Bushwick asks: “Dear A. Dragon, What is the best way to clean out my bong?”

Well Cory,

As a dragon, I don’t smoke out of implements. When I need to get faded, I simply fly over to Colorado or Cali, hover over a grow field, breathe fire and inhale. If you’ve never smoked an entire field of Granddaddy Purp, holy shit that’s some real Snoop Lion shit right there. Damn I ate like twelve sheep afterwards and then I just passed the fuck out on the side of a mountain. Also local villagers are much less likely to form an angry pitchfork mob if there are tasty vapors floating through the air. But since you are a weak human, I hear rubbing alcohol and a good rinse in hot water works pretty well. 

Apneet from Brooklyn wants to know: “Dear Dragon, What’s the best way to slay your best friends?”

Here’s how.

Q: Why do mermaids wear seashells?

A: Because B shells were too small and D shells were too big!

Slays ‘em every time!

Really though, you don’t want to kill your friends. I did that once, long ago. And now I’m alone. I am rich as fuck though… 

Santa C. Brown inquires: “What should I get my friend wizard for Christmas? (Also, do wizards celebrate Christmas?)”

Santa C. Brown,

Hell no wizards don’t celebrate Christmas. If Jesus knew about wizardry he’d be so upset he would piss wine. While Jesus did have powers and robes, he derived his magic from GOD ok? Wizards rely on the lower demonic orders and straight up chemistry.

However, if your wizard friend is Jewish or has a birthday coming up, everyone likes a nice restaurant or movie gift certificate. Bonus: easy to wrap!

Made in Mejia is wondering: “How does one stay patient for so many years?”

This one’s easy: Just don’t be a bitch about things. Rooaaar!

Great advice, Dragon! Totally unrelated question, does anyone have flame-resistant condoms?

NEXT WEEK: Advice from a Paper Bag! Send your questions to theculturewhore@gmail.com.

-CAROLYN GILLIAM

Last night all your favorite Culture Whore editors got together and we shot our Christmas Card (which you’ll get to see later today). We took like 100 photos and our fantastic wed/fashion editor Apneet Kaur transformed them into this amazing gif. You’re welcome.

In our brand new adivce column, your questions are answered by…a baby. No babies were harmed in the writing of this column except the first three who were dicks and were subsequently left in a dumpster behind a Popeye’s.

I’m a baby. Us babies have to deal with a lot of pressure. I can’t drive, I can’t read, I can’t get a job except for selling out and showing my nipples in a Gap ad. It’s hard out there and yes, there are days when I just want to push myself back into the womb and literally curl up into the fetal position.

But there’s no going back for any of us. Have you ever looked into a baby’s eyes? A lot of wisdom there. Now I’m putting that wisdom to good use…

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